In spite of numerous loud proclamations made by the individuals and several lively back-and-forth dialogues, witnesses confirmed that at no point during the impassioned 45-minute conversation did any member of the group make a single fully informed or well-reasoned statement about politics, economics, foreign affairs, or social matters.
The passionate discourse, said to have been initiated by a muted feed of CNN playing on one of the restaurant’s televisions, reportedly contained scores of factual inaccuracies, gross oversimplifications, self-contradictory declarations, and assertions that would fail to hold up against even the slightest of scrutiny.
Sources confirmed that the terms “fracking,” “sequester,” “Tea Party,” “entitlements,” and “the Fed” were all used out of context at various times throughout the heated debate, and that the phrase “Washington is broken” was also uttered over two dozen times.
Furthermore, reports indicated that each of the five friends genuinely believed they were having a serious intellectual conversation about prominent issues of the day.
Upon finishing their meals and getting up to leave, the friends reportedly agreed that the absolutely incomprehensible discourse was fun and that “it’s a real shame more people don’t get together to discuss the issues.”